Melissa Febos’ “A Dry Season”: Embracing Celibacy as a Journey of Self-Discovery
In our patriarchal culture, a woman’s decision to forgo sexual relationships—especially with men—is often seen as a form of defiance against prescribed social roles. Historically, such a choice has been interpreted as a deliberate rejection of norms that view women primarily as reproducers. A recent social media trend, where many women pledged to withhold sex following a political event, is one striking example of this act of resistance.
Melissa Febos, acclaimed writer and award-winner, challenges the notion that her year-long celibacy was defined by deprivation or shock value. Instead, she presents it as a deliberate act of self-actualization—a confident choice to nurture her inner world rather than exhaust her energy in relationships that left her depleted.
Choosing Celibacy for Growth
After enduring a tumultuous period marked by a draining two-year affair and a series of fleeting encounters, Febos recognized a need to reclaim her vitality. Disenchanted with a life dictated by serial monogamy and the transactional aspects of her past connections, she turned inward. For her, celibacy was not self-imposed punishment but rather an opportunity to cultivate a richer, more authentic sense of self.
In her memoir, The Dry Season: A Memoir of Pleasure in a Year Without Sex, she demonstrates that the path to self-creation is intimately tied to our connections with others. Just as writing can be an act of sharing one’s inner life, so too can a committed practice of celibacy become a means to reassess how we relate—to ourselves and to the world around us.
The Art of Collective Self-Creation
Febos argues that self-creation is not a solitary exercise. Instead, it is a process of mutual influence and communal participation. Rather than isolating oneself, the journey involves actively engaging with a network of relationships that collectively help shape who we are. This perspective resonates with the feminist idea that the personal is inherently political, emphasizing that our personal evolution is intertwined with the freedom and expression of others.
A pivotal moment comes when Febos reflects on her past relationships by sharing a written inventory with her spiritual advisor. Through this dialogue, she comes to understand her longstanding codependency—a habit of using others to soothe her own insecurities. In challenging moments, this advisor’s candid remark, contrasting people-pleasing with people-using, prompts Febos to adopt a more honest look at her interactions and reclaim her independence.
Finding New Mentors, Embracing New Ideals
Historically, Febos admired writers such as Colette and Edna St. Vincent Millay, whose lives embodied the tortured artist archetype—a romanticized view of creativity born from suffering. However, her exploration of celibacy led her to discover different role models. She began looking to female mystics, religious laywomen, and saints—figures who embraced celibacy not as a denial of passion, but as a committed, liberating lifestyle choice. In their example, celibacy becomes a practice of self-love and redefinition, a way to bridge the gap between the self lived in isolation and the self forged in relationships.
Among these inspirational figures are Saint Catherine of Siena and Benedictine abbess Hildegard von Bingen, alongside prominent Black feminist writers such as Octavia Butler and Audre Lorde. Despite their differing eras and disciplines, all of these women strove to align themselves with a transcendent force or higher purpose. Whether understood as divine presence or as the inherent dignity and potential of all life, this pursuit provided them a framework for living with conviction. As Lorde famously argued, embracing the power of the erotic—a vital life force—can spur us towards genuine transformation both personally and socially.
Illuminating the Erotic as a Path to Freedom
For Febos, this energy, often described in sacred terms as agape, is not merely about physical intimacy but embodies a profound spiritual and emotional richness. It is the same dynamic quality reflected in Hildegard’s concept of viriditas, symbolizing fertility and life’s abundance. In her reflective journey, Febos explains that what she once perceived as a barren period turned out to be the most creatively lush season since childhood. By redirecting her focus from the ephemeral satisfaction derived from lovers to a deeper, sustained engagement with herself, she discovered an inner vitality that had long been dormant.
This renewed sense of self empowers us to critically evaluate our lives and relationships. As Lorde suggested, the erotic becomes a vital lens through which we assess the meaning and value of our everyday experiences. From this heightened awareness, we are free to reconstruct our lives deliberately, forging connections and fostering communities with clear purpose and intent.
Reclaiming Independence Through Community
The transformative power of celibacy in Febos’ life lies in its invitation to build a community that spans time and experience. By engaging with the wisdom of mentors both past and present, she challenges the conventional narrative of isolation associated with self-exploration. Instead, her journey is portrayed as an act of co-creation—where the self is continuously remolded through exchanges with others who share the desire for genuine freedom and self-expression.
In the final pages of her memoir, Febos calls on readers to embark on a similar path of self-authorship. In doing so, she positions her personal narrative as a contribution to a larger feminist legacy—a testament to the interdependent nature of growth and liberation. The process of self-creation, after all, is not a solitary endeavor but a collective act that honors the freedom and creativity of all.
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